Children Healing After Trauma

by Peggy Sweeney Rainone

When you hear the word "child,” what image does this bring to mind? The smiling face of a little boy or girl or your growing teenager? Do you visualize the young ballerina or soccer player at play? Maybe it is the young adult complaining of acne, struggling with peer pressure, or begging for the car. For most of you though, I'm sure your mental picture will be one of a happy, smiling child.

Unfortunately, for many children in today's world, traumatic events have occurred in their young lives that prevent them from fulfilling their most important task: just being a kid and enjoying the rewards of those carefree days. They have been unwillingly forced to grow up faster then their peers without benefit of directives, manuals, or mentors. They may have experienced the death of a parent, sibling, classmate, or pet. Their parents may have dragged them through a bitter divorce and made them choose sides. They may be innocent victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, or an alcohol or drug dependent parent. Their playmates may ridicule or shun them or call them names that hurt. Classmates and teachers may judge them as undesirable companions or students because their dad or mom has been arrested or is serving time in prison. What should be a happy, fun-filled time of their life is instead a day-to-day struggle to appear happy and normal. Their smiles and laughter have been replaced with sadness and tears. They seek comfort yet find no one who will ease their pain or help them deal with their feelings of anger, guilt, and loneliness.

Parents, teachers, and even emergency providers are seldom prepared to cope with their own traumas or grief much less those of a child they love. As a result, these children become the "forgotten victims." We assume kids recover from the death of a loved one quite readily. Do not be fooled. This is not usually the case.

Adults try to shield children and teens from the pain of grief. They may use lies or deception to accomplish this goal. We allow children to participate in weddings, birthday parties, and other happy family events. Yet, when someone they love dies parents often discourage their children from going to the funeral or visiting the gravesite. Parents try to deceive very young children into thinking the deceased has just gone on a very long trip. Adults also like to disguise death by calling it "sleep.” These attempts at deception only create distrust in the child's eyes. We, as adults, are uncomfortable with death. Unfortunately, by trying to shield children from grief and pain, we merely pass our behaviors onto them. Adults often ignore the visible signs of a child's grief; namely, acting out, unhappiness, or violence. Because of these behaviors, parents or adults punish a child for what the adult interprets as "unacceptable behavior." Before you punish them, find out why they are doing these things you perceive as wrong. This may be their way of silently asking for help.

When children are left alone to struggle with grief and traumatic events, they often choose undesirable remedies as solutions to their problems and to ease their pain. They may use addictive drugs, resort to unprotected sex, or join gangs. They may believe that they are the reason for the problems that are occurring in their family (divorce, addiction, abuse, etc.). Because of this, they may inflict pain through self-mutilation as a means of personal punishment. They may develop an eating disorder or focus on escaping the pain and trauma by committing suicide. Sadly, when left alone without the love, caring, and respect they are entitled to as kids, some children resort to violence against others. They want the intense pain they are feeling to go away. They want to understand why loved ones die and why parents or friends commit suicide. They may want to punish those who have caused them pain. I am not condoning what they do, but offering a reason for their actions. They want someone to listen to their fears—real or imagined—and hold them close and make life safe and less painful. They just want to be happy and safe again!

It is time for all adults to focus on the needs of today's youth. It only takes ONE adult to make a positive impact on a child's life. We must stop turning a deaf ear to their cries for help. We must stop ignoring the cruelties that are inflicted on them. We must offer advice, share lessons we have learned through life, and provide them with positive solutions to their problems. When they are grieving the death of someone loved, we must offer a shoulder to cry on and tender loving care. If their home life is less then desirable, take time to get them involved in positive activities. Do not judge them by their clothing, hairstyle, adornments, or music. They are struggling to be kids and to be their own person. It is what's inside their hearts and minds that is important, not the wrappings on the outside. I believe all children are born good. Replace negative choices they are making with positive goal setting techniques and self-esteem building. Openly discuss feelings such as anger, guilt, loneliness, and depression. They can learn positive ways to express grief through journaling, exercising, and talking with others who share a similar pain. NO topic should be off limits. When you offer loving support and guidance to a child, you are preparing them to cope with traumatic events they will encounter as adults. Children need to be proud of their accomplishments and eager to live, even with the pain of grief.

Copyright 2003 Peggy Sweeney Rainone. All rights reserved.

About the Author
Peggy Sweeney Rainone, founder and president of The Sweeney Alliance, is an EMT-B and a former firefighter and mortician. She has developed and facilitated numerous workshops on coping with grief and post-traumatic stress for professionals and families and has reached out to her community by way of support groups for bereaved parents and children. She offers help to emergency response and public safety personnel through her Grieving Behind the Badge training program. You may contact Peggy through her Web site at The Sweeney Alliance or by e-mail peggy@sweeneyalliance.org

Peggy Sweeney Rainone She is the founder and president of The Sweeney Alliance