What Do I Say/Do at the Service?

Funerals can be awkward, there is no getting around it. They can turn the most confident person into a nervous wreck because we just don't know what to say and do when someone we know has experienced a death in the family. It is equally as awkward for the person/people grieving as they are now in the position of trying to deal with all these emotions and play host to family, friends and in some cases complete strangers.

Nonetheless, a family grieving will appreciate your show of support by taking the time to attend the visitation or service. It is not necessary to be there for the entire allotted time when a visitation is running, and in some cases it may be more helpful if you pay your respects and take your leave if it is over crowded (it is the law of nature that everyone will show up at the same time for these things!). In an overcrowded situation, you may not even get access to the person/people grieving and therefore it is important to sign the guest register that is usually provided. Be sure to include your first and last name and in some cases affiliation to the deceased if you do not know the person grieving directly. This is most helpful to family afterward as the whole experience can seem a bit of a blur to them at the time.

If you do have an audience with the person/people grieving, take your cues from them wherever possible. Remember that they will have been telling and retelling the deceased's story and may just appreciate a small statement of respect rather then having to retell the tale again. Depending on your relationship with the individual you could say any one of the following:

• I am so sorry.
  

• Tell me how I can help, I want to be here for you.
  

• I'm praying for you.
  

• Would it help if we prayed together?
  

• [Name of deceased] was a good person and friend of mine. He/She will be missed.
  

• Would you like a hug?
  

• Please tell me what you are feeling right now, I have never been through something like this and can only imagine.
  

• What do you need right now?
  

• It's ok if you do not feel like talking right now. Just know that I am here to listen whenever you are ready.
  

• My sympathy to you and your family

Be prepared to give way to another who is also there to pay their respects. Before parting tell them that you will be there for a little while longer or that you are heading out (in case they want to speak with you again). If you are planning on staying for a while, perhaps you could offer to grab them a beverage, a mint or something to eat if it is available. It is quite easy for them to get caught up in greeting people and not look after their own needs.