What is 'Normal' Grief?

Grief is the human response to significant loss. Grief does not follow a fixed timetable or list of symptoms. Normal feelings include shock, numbness, sadness, anger, remorse, resentment, guilt. You may hear the voice of the person who died, have flashbacks to the funeral or to moments before the death, or think you see the person on the street. Difficulty concentrating and remembering is common, as are irrational thoughts and changes in sleep patterns and appetite.

This severe emotional distress may take months to dissipate. Then, periods of feeling better may be interrupted by renewed sadness. Even when things seem to be getting back to normal, the heartache may return when you realize that the new 'normal' is not the same as the old 'normal' - the death of a long-time partner changes things forever.

For some, bereavement starts before death. Learning that a spouse has a terminal illness or dementia often prompts anticipatory grief. When death comes, the bereaved person may feel relief, sometimes accompanied by guilt or remorse about the quality or source of care the spouse received before death.

Compounding this may be 'shadow grief' resulting from losses experienced before the spouse's death - perhaps the death of a parent or child, or even less easily recognized losses, such as reduced independence, declining health, or damaged self-esteem arising from changes accompanying aging.