Explaining Death to a Child

by Patricia A. Simone

As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. Talk to the child in a language and level that he/she can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and, just as importantly, what is not being said. Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. The following are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.

1. The child's first concern may be "Who is going to take care of me now?"

1. Maintain usual routines as much as possible.
   

2. Show affections and assure the child that those who love him/her still do and they will take care of him/her.

2. The child will probably have many questions and may need to ask them again and again.

1. Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can easily be understood. Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of love and caring.
   

2. Answers should be based on the need the child seems to be expressing, not on the exact words used.

3. The child will not know appropriate behaviour for the situation.

1. Encourage the child to talk about feelings and share with him/her how you feel. You are a model for how one expresses feelings. It is helpful to cry. It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.
   

2. Allow the child to express care for the adult caregivers. Loving is giving and taking.

4. The child may fear his/her own death or that somehow he/she may have caused the death.

1. Reassure the child about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts that he/she may have had about the person who died did not cause the death.
   

2. Reassure the child that this death does not mean someone else that he/she loves is likely to die soon.

5. The child may wish to be a part of the family rituals.

1. Explain these to the child and include him/her in deciding how to participate. Remember that to be prepared beforehand, tell the child what to expect and have a supporting adult nearby.
   

2. Do not force the child to do anything that does not feel comfortable doing.
   

6. The child may show signs of regressive behaviour.

1. A common reaction to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of development. Depending on the age, a child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting and may need to have a bottle or go back into diapers for a while. Support the child during this time and keep in mind that these regressions are only temporary, though no one can determine for how long.
   

2. Adults can prepare a child to deal with future losses of those who are significant by helping the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television.

3. In helping children understand and cope with death, remember these key concepts:
   * Be Loving
   * Be Truthful
   * Be Accepting
   * Be Consistent
   * Be aware of levels of understanding relative to age.

Explanations That Generally Do Not
Help The Child

Outlined below are explanations that adults may use to explain to a child why the person he/she loved has died. Unfortunately, simple but dishonest answers can only serve to increase the fear and uncertainty that the child is feeling. Children tend to be very literal - if an adult says that "Grandpa died because he was old and tired", the child may wonder when he/she too will be too old; he/she certainly gets tired - what is tired enough to die?

1. "Grandma will sleep in peace forever."
This explanation may result in the child's fear of going to bed or to sleep.

2. "It is God's will."
The child will not understand a God who takes a loved one when that person is needed and loved.

3. "God took him because he was so good."
The child may decide to be bad so God won't take him/her too.

4. "Daddy went on a long trip and won't be back for a long time."
The child may wonder why the person left without saying goodbye. Eventually he/she will realize that Daddy isn't coming back and feel that perhaps something he/she did caused Daddy to leave.

5. " John was sick and went to the hospital where he died."
The child will need an explanation about "little" and "big" sicknesses. Otherwise, he/she may be extremely fearful if someone else has to go to the hospital in the future. Consider using the actual name of the sickness, introducing new words is acceptable.

Guidelines to Help a Child Through Grief

1. As soon as possible after the death, set time aside to talk to the child.
   

2. Give the child the facts in a simple manner and be careful not to go into too much detail. The child will ask more questions as they come up.
   

3. If you can't answer some of the questions, it's fine to say, " I don't know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us."
   

4. Use the correct language - say the words "dead" and "die". Do not use phrases such as: "He's sleeping...", or "God took her...", or "He went away...".
   

5. Ask questions. "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard from your friends?" "What do you think happened?" etc.
   

6. Feelings should be explained to children, especially when there are tears. Give them permission to cry too. We are their role models: it is good for children to see our sadness and to share our feelings with them.
   

7. Us the given name of the deceased when speaking of him/her.
   

8. Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child. Speak to that level.
   

9. Talk about personal feelings such as anger, sadness, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, wishing to die, etc.
   

10. Read a book on death to your child. (Please consult with the funeral director for a suggested reading list.)
    

11. Read a book on childhood grief for a better understanding of what a child may be experiencing.
    

12. Talk about the visitation period and the funeral. Explain what happens and find out if your child wants to attend with the rest of the family.
    

13. Think about ways the child can say goodbye to the deceased, such as writing a letter, poem, drawing a picture, etc.
    

14. Talk to the child about religious beliefs, if appropriate, and what happens to people after they die.
    

15. Invite the child to talk freely if there are more questions or if he/she has heard rumours, in order to help him /her to get the correct information.
    

16. Talk about memories, good ones and ones that may not be so good.
    

17. Watch for "bad dreams" - are they occurring often? Talk about the dreams; they are a way to discharge stress.
    

18. Watch for behaviour changes in your child. If they are cause for concern, seek professional help.
    

19. Friends, family and school mates frequently find solace and comfort in doing something special in the name of the person who has died.
    

20. Keep the child's teachers and other caregivers informed of the grief related concerns.
    

21. Sudden death, violent death and the death of a young person are especially hard to grieve. Disruption of sleep and daily activities as well as loss of appetite may be normal responses to an abnormal or unusual event.