Consequences and Adjustments

Not only do men and women have different chances of being widowed, some studies suggest they also experience bereavement and adjust to widow(er)hood differently. The stereotypical view is that women have to shoulder new obligations for managing money and maintaining house, yard and car, while men have to learn how to boil an egg and maintain social contact with family and friends.

"She cries, he sighs" is how one counsellor sums up differences in male and female grieving patterns.⁵ British researchers suggest that disparities arise from social expectations: it is acceptable for women, but not for men, to cry and express grief openly, which helps them work through and get beyond grief.⁶ But in another study of bereaved people, both men and women said missing their spouse was their biggest problem; at the same time, both women and men thought that the biggest problem for the opposite sex would be learning to cope with practical matters formerly handled by the spouse who had died.⁷

As if grief is not enough to deal with, death precipitates dozens of chores -- settling the estate, applying for death benefits, filing insurance claims and tax returns, notifying various authorities. Then there are decisions about where to live and with whom, how to handle new responsibilities and, for many women, how to live on a lower income.⁸

Planning and information gathering can ease the adjustment process for the surviving spouse, at least as far as practical matters are concerned. Planning may not allay the emotional impact, but it can help avoid compounding grief by reducing the number of decisions needed at a time when decision-making is hard.

Spouses can also plan financially to enable the surviving spouse to afford the preferred living arrangement. Keep the house or move to an apartment? Move closer to family or friends? Or stay close to familiar shops and transportation routes, a church or synagogue, a social club or seniors' centre?

5 The TLC Group, "She cries-he sighs, gender differences and grieving patterns" (Dallas: The TLC Group, 1995). Available at www.metronet.com/tlc.

6 Bierhals, A. J. et al., "Gender differences in complicated grief among the elderly", Omega 32/4 (1995-96).

7 Davidson, K. "How older men and women reconstitute their lives after widowhood", Third European Congress of Gerontology, Ageing in a changing Europe: Choices and limitations (1995).

8 Martin Matthews states that older women, especially widows, are the poorest of all groups in the older population, and increasing age increases the risk of poverty for unattached elderly women.