Child's Decision

Much has been said about how a person might obtain 'closure' attending the funeral of a loved one. For a young child, viewing the body and attending the funeral is to be encouraged but by no means should it be forced onto a child who does not wish to attend. If this circumstance arises, do not aggressively pursue the issue and do not make the child feel guilty for staying away.

Many people take photographs of the deceased to send to relatives who are unable to attend, so take a photograph for your child too. If it is possible to videotape the service then do so. Having a copy on videotape will provide your child the opportunity to watch the service if and when he/she is ready.

In the meantime, tell your child all the details that he/she wishes to know about the funeral service as well as any other questions they may have about the deceased.

Moreover, while you are at the funeral service, ensure that your child stays with someone you trust to be supportive to the child's needs. The child may experience confusion, grief and anxiety as well as regret about staying away.

Your Decision

A funeral can bring out the best intentions in people but these intentions can often manifest themselves in the form of unwanted interference. Some people, such as close relatives, may think that having children attend a funeral is dangerous to their mental health; that the image of a dead relative or friend will be too distressing.

The most important thing for a parent in this situation is to know and understand their children. If the parent believes that they should view and attend the funeral service then they should proceed with that course of action. Do what you feel is right and do not let the disapproval of others sway you.

At The Funeral

Some parents are occasionally surprised by the extent to which their child's emotions can go. A funeral is a time for saying farewell and a child will probably understand this as being a 'sad' time.

However, children can often form attachments to people that are deeper than anyone expects, e.g. a funny uncle who made them laugh or a family pet can be an intrinsic part of the child's emotional life.

Children should not be made to feel ashamed of their emotions. The parent should not express displeasure at the extent of a child's mourning because they expect the child's grief to be on a par with their own. The child should be allowed to explain how he/she felt about the deceased and the parent should listen and offer support; cuddles can help children too.

While a child may not really care too deeply about the loss of a great-aunt they only met once, they may never forget the grief caused when their dog dies due to the happy memories they had with their beloved family pet.

Adapted from: "Keys to Helping Children Deal With Death and Grief" by Joy Johnson, Barron's Educational Series Inc. 1999)