Bereavement

Bereavement is the state of mind and being that we all go through when we mourn the loss of a loved one and try to come to terms with our lives despite this loss.

We mourn our loss in a series of stages. The first stage is to accept that there has been a loss and look at life now with this loss. Denying the reality of a loss can seem an inviting proposition, especially when the loss has been quick and unexpected. This will to deny what has happened can affect children and adults but it needs to be fought or the grief will be suppressed and potentially self-destructive.

When the world seems to have been thrown into a ball of confusion around you, the pain of the emotion of loss may be one of the few clear things for a while. The healing process will be boosted by the identification and expression of grief - and the ball of confusion will fade.

Sharing grief is making plain your trust in another person; the trust in that person's ability and sincerity in understanding your grief and accepting your mindset at this most difficult of times. When talking through the emotional and practical difficulties thrown up by the loss of a loved one it may become apparent that you may feel a sense of guilt.

This guilty feeling is usually symptomatic of worry about what was not shared with the deceased in the past and concern over what is to come, blaming oneself for any difficulties that may not have yet manifested and may never appear at all.

The grieving party may find it helpful to take an active role in the planning of the funeral, finding appropriate ways of commemorating the dearly departed and the life they lead. Sharing becomes part of the process that leads to a clear future. If the bereaved has the opportunity to talk with a friend then they can identify the good and bad times past.

The need to talk and share our feelings can be overwhelming and friends and family should help indulge the bereaved in their efforts to lay the past to rest; to resolve any mixed emotions they may have had about the deceased

Mixed Feelings

There is often a cornucopia of intense feelings related to the death of a loved one. Despite the love that the deceased may have shared with the griever, the undue guilt felt over a death is often substituted by anger over a feeling of abandonment.

Anyone experiencing grief is probably feeling that a part of them has died as well. They must let go of this thought or their grief cannot truly end. To achieve a resolution to grief, it is necessary to look to the future. Acknowledge the wonders of the past but accept that it has gone.

Negative feelings are acceptable if the positive feelings are equal or greater. Most importantly, there should be clarity to all of these feelings. If everything is in perspective then moving on should not be any greater a challenge than needs be. Future goals and dreams should shine and fit the new life that the bereaved has had to accept.

Coping With the Future

Once grief has passed, it is a good idea to be able to anticipate the difficult times ahead. If you have recently lost a loved one, special times such as Christmas or other holidays, as well as anniversaries and birthdays, can be emotional minefields.

Try to plan ahead: don't let those days creep over you or other loved ones who may be struggling through difficult times. If you think you might find certain days problematic, spend them with friends and family. Prove to yourself that you can master your hours and days effectively; bring your self-determination to the fore. Recognize that the bereaved (be it yourself or another) can sometimes develop a sense of identity that is closely dependent upon the relationship with the deceased.

It is possible that some mourners may see themselves as incomplete without their partners or parent(s). If this situation arises, low self-esteem and feelings of helplessness can manifest themselves. If you can identify these qualities in a family member or friend you can offer encouragement and counsel to them and help them rid themselves of this destructive self-perception.

Help the bereaved to push themselves forward out of their own shadow. They need to move on and realize their potential. Timing is of paramount importance, as you should not be perceived as being insensitive to their loss. However, the time will come when they need to go forward or they'll forever be looking to the past.

It is important to find new activities in which to participate; they can be social hopefully and help you to start a new life. Moreover, they will provide a way of avoiding a descent into self-pity and loneliness.

Verbalizing Grief - Children

There are many individuals who have difficulty verbalizing their feelings. This is especially common in children, from pre-school age to teenagers and sometimes in adulthood too.

For children a catharsis can be provided through artistic expression or writing simple poems and stories - anything that encourages creative expression. If you have a child that you believe is struggling through grief, you can help them by being sensitive to their needs; showing that you can empathize with what he/she is feeling. It is important that a child's development not be marred or crippled by suppressing his/her grief.

Always encourage your child to speak when you believe there is something troubling them, but never force them. Reassure them that when they are ready to talk you will be there for them.

Family counselors are trained to hear out your problems and assist you in coping. If the grief management process is becoming too overwhelming, you may want to consider some counseling to help you along.

Adapted from: "Bereavement: Counseling the Grieving Throughout the LifeCycle", David A. Crenshaw