Information about Children and Grief

Text adapted with permission from Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children, Breaking the Silence: A Guide To Help Children With Complicated Grief: Suicide, Homicide, AIDS, Violence, and Abuse and Helping The Grieving Child in the School Healing Magazine (Kidspeace)and Growing Up Fast (NES). This information can not be reproduced without acknowledging source.

What is Complicated Grief?

When life issues are unexpressed or unacknowledged, they become locked in "frozen blocks of time".

These frozen blocks of time stop the normal grief process denying the child the ability to grieve. It can feel as if life stops and time stands still. The natural flow of feelings is inhibited. There is no movement forward until the issues are resolved and the feelings released. Suicide, homicide, AIDS, abuse, and violence are familiar examples of situations that lead to complicated grief.

The grief process is normal and natural after a loss. When children become stuck in this frozen block of time, they are denied access to this normal and natural flowing process. Overwhelmed by frozen feelings, the grief process seems to be "on hold" or nonexistent. The child is not in touch with his or her feelings of grief, or those feelings are ambivalent and in conflict with each other.

In complicated grief, it is as if an unexpressed or unresolved important life issue - a frozen block of time - has created a wall of ice between the child and his or her grief. Our job is to help melt that wall.

Breaking the Silence (1996)

Categories That Contribute to Complicated Grief

1. Sudden or traumatic death

Sudden or traumatic death can include murder, suicide, fatal accidents, or a sudden fatal illness. Immediately an unstable environment is created in the child's home. Children feel confusion over these kinds of death. Desire for revenge is often experienced after a murder of fatal accident. Rage and/or guilt emerges against the person who has committed suicide. Terror of violence and death unfolds, and the child feels shock and disbelief that suddenly this death has occurred.

2. Social stigma of death

Social stigma and shame frequently accompany deaths related to AIDS, suicide, and homicide. Children as well as adults often feel too embarrassed to speak of these issues. They remain silent out of fear of being ridiculed or ostracized. These suppressed feelings get inwardly projected towards themselves in the form of self hatred. Often times these kids feel lonely and isolated. They cannot grieve normally because they have not separated the loss of the deceased.

3. Multiple losses

Multiple losses can produce a deep fear of abandonment and self-doubt in children. The death of a single parent is a good example of a multiple loss. When the only remaining parent of a child dies, the death can cause this child to be forced to move from the home, the rest of his or her family and friends, the school, and the community. The child is shocked at this sudden and complete change of lifestyle and surroundings, and may withdraw or become terrified of future abandonment. Nightmares and/or bedwetting could appear.

4. Past relationship to the deceased

When a child has been abuse, neglected, or abandoned by a loved one, there are often ambivalent feelings when the loved one's death occurs. A five-year-old girl whose alcoholic father sexually abused her felt great conflict when that parent died. Part of her may have felt relieved, even glad, to be rid of the abuse yet ashamed to say those feelings out loud. She may carry the secret of the abuse and become locked into that memory and be unable to grieve. Children often feel guilt, fear, abandonment, or depression if grief of a loved one is complicated by an unresolved past relationship.

5. Grief process of the surviving parent or caretaker

If the surviving parent is not able to mourn, there is no role model for the child. A closed environment stops the grief process. Many times the surviving parent finds it too difficult to watch his or her child grieve. They may be unable to grieve themselves, or unwilling to recognize their child's pain. Feelings become denied and expression of these feelings withheld. The surviving parent might well become and absentee parent because of his or her own overwhelming grief, producing feelings of abandonment and isolation in the child. Children often fear something will happen to this parent or to themselves and as a result become overprotective of the parent and other loved ones.

Breaking the Silence (1996)

Activities to help young children with complicated grief

1. Read stories to children that allow them to project their feelings onto the story characters. This opens a dialogue with a child in a way that is not threatening.

2. Allow children to visualize their hurt, fear or pain. Then can then draw, make use clay, or imagine these symbolic feelings being able to talk. If the hurt could talk, eight year old Nancy explained, it would say "Why me?" Nancy had experienced multiple losses, including the death of her younger sister. Feelings of having bad luck or being punished began to emerge.

3. Invite children to make a Loss Timeline, filling it in with people and dates in chronological order according to when they died. This Loss Timeline becomes a concrete representation of all the losses one has experienced.

4. Create with children a geneogram of family tree using a circle and square to represent those people still living and those people who have died in their life. Kids can not only see the extent of the losses they've had, but the support system of the people that are still remaining.

By helping children put their feelings outside of themselves we can facilitate their healing. Sharing feelings diminishes the hurt.

Breaking the Silence (1996)

The Story of Star

Star was Tom's pet dog. He was hit by a car and severely injured with no chance of recovery while Tom was in school in second grade. He came home and his dog was gone. He needed to understand why. His mom tell him, "Star was put to sleep." Tom imagines he will wake up soon and Star will be back. Mom says, "No, he's gone forever." Tom begins to worry that if he goes to sleep he too might not come back.

It's O.K. for him to see his mom crying because she saw Star's favorite ball. She loved him too. Kids need explanation of what is happening so that the missing pieces won't be filled in with their own imagination and interpretation.

Give young children the simplest information possible while still sharing needed facts for their growth. "How did Star die? What did the vet do? Who took him to the vet? Did he cry? Where was he buried? Can I see him?" All of these questions need to be answered. Finally we need to say, "Star won't be back. We won't see him again. His body has stopped working. It is very sad and we will miss him very much." We can give him a funeral and say goodbye to Star.

Life & Loss (2000)

Tommy needs to work through the various feelings associated with mourning. He needs to:

1. Understand that the loss is real
   
2. Feel the hurt
   
3. Learn to live life without the lost object
   
4. Transform the emotional energy of grief into life again

Let Kids Know: "Star won't be in your daily life, but he will be in your memory."

Let Kids Talk: "I'm sad, angry, or frightened about what happened to Star. I feel so lonely without him."

Let Kids Participate: Tom can choose what to do with Star's toys, his bowl, or his collar. Where to put his pictures? What kind of a ceremony would he like to have? Who would he like to invite?

Let Kids Be Unique: Each child is different and so is his grief. Tommy wants to build a dog house where Star is buried. It's his own way of remembering him.

Tom can commemorate Star's death informally or with a real ceremony. As long as he is involved, if he wants to be, he will be able to work through his grief. In this way, he can affirm the value of the life that was Star's. Tommy decided to invite his family, neighborhood friends, and two pet dogs in the neighborhood. He put a picture of Star by his bed to help remember him.

When Tommy understood, grieved, and commemorated his dog's death, he is ready to "go on." This readiness involves knowing it's O.K. to start life again - to play with other dogs, or even hope to get a new one. It's not the same thing as "forgetting." Star will live in Tommy's heart. It may hurt on Star's birthday or the day that he died, yet Tommy's grief experience with Star will strengthen his ability to cope with other losses he will assuredly have as life goes on.

Some Myths of Grief and Loss

Myth: The goal of helping bereaved children is to "Get them over their grief and mourning"

Children and adults are often told that they "should be over is by now - It's been almost a year." Adults who believe this myth deny children the patience to live with and to work with their grief.

Danny's teacher responded to the death of his mom by telling him, "You have to forget about this and go on." Danny said he felt like killing his teacher! The last thing he wanted to do was forget his mom. He needs to remember her in a positive way to take her with him on his journey.

Jonathan woke up one morning and decided to bring in a picture of his pet cat, Susie, for show and tell. She had died a year ago. When he came home from school, he asked if he could see where she was buried. That was a healthy request, moving him towards healing. Both examples illustrate that coping with loss is ongoing.

Adults and kids often equate getting over grief with forgetting the person, without realizing that their pain is what connects them to their loss. We need to find alternative ways to connect them to the lost person or event, diffuse the pain, and transform it into a positive experience.

Life & Loss (2000)

Myth: Children are better off if they don't attend funerals

Not allowing children to attend funerals creates an environment of denial that does not allow them to actively participate in the grieving process. The funeral provides a structure for the child to see how people comfort each other openly, mourn a loved one, and honor his/her life. Children learn the ways we say goodbye to the remains of the person who died, and how we show respect for the deceased.

Chad's dad Ray drowned at age 31. Chad was 7. Chad's grandfather told Chad of his dad's death, and they cried together for a very long time. Ray's body was found after several days of being in the water, necessitating a closed casket funeral.

The family, including Chad, worked together to select meaningful items to be placed in the casket. A picture of Chad, a letter from Ray's mom, and some other items were chosen. Chad was made an important part of the funeral process, and by doing so, the funeral process became an important part of him.

During the ceremony, Chad leaned over to his grandfather and whispered, "Grandad, I'm using my imagination right now and pretending I'm reaching inside the coffin and hugging dad." He needed to say good-bye and created a way to do so.

Children assuredly follow their hearts to find their own unique ways to work through grief. Being present at the funeral, placing personal mementos in the coffin, and participating in the ceremony are very concrete ways children can contribute to the process of saying good-bye.

Life & Loss (2000)

My son Jonathan, age six, attended his first funeral when my sister's mother-in-law died. Jonathan said he wanted to go, and he did. When the family was viewing the body, he wanted to look too. A slight panic ran through me as all of my training and knowledge said "yes," while I heard my mother's voice say, "no, go sit in the other room, Jonathan." The funeral director walked over to me and quietly said, "I didn't want to interfere, but I feel kids imagine for more and far worse if they aren't allowed to look at the body." Gratefully, I agreed. Jonathan walked over, viewed the body, and was quite satisfied. Surprisingly, my Mother easily adjusted to the change of circumstance. Relaying the story to a friend, I was told that her son had chosen not to see the body of his grandmother and continually asked questions like, "Was Grandma's body bleeding or bruised or broken?"

We often shield children from the funeral experience because we think it is too difficult. It is difficult. By allowing Jonathan to choose to participate in a funeral of someone whom he was not deeply attached, he was freer to incorporate the events of more closely connected loved ones. He came to see death as an open part of life.

These myths are barriers to the grieving process.
They disguise our own vulnerability and feelings of helplessness, and perpetuate a world of denial.

We need a new way of looking at a universal issue of grief. We need to educate ourselves and our communities to distinguish between fact and fiction so that our children can, too.

Life & Loss (2000)

Common Feelings, Thoughts, and Behaviors of the Grieving Child

• Child retells events of the deceased's death and funeral.

• Child dreams of the deceased.

• Child feels the deceased is with him or her in some way.

• Child rejects old friends and seeks new friends who have experienced a similar loss.

• Child wants to call home during the school day.

• Child can't concentrate on homework or classwork.

• Child bursts into tears in the middle of class.

• Child seeks medical information on death of deceased.

• Child worries excessively about his or her own health.

• Child sometimes appears to be unfeeling about loss.

• Child becomes "class clown" to get attention.

• Child is overly concerned with caretaking needs.

Ways to Talk About Suicide
to Children

1. Define suicide as when "someone chooses to make their body stop working."
   

2. Give age appropriate facts and explanations.
   

3. Dispel myths of suicide.
   

4. Re-tell good memories.
   

5. Model feelings and thoughts for children.
   

6. Emphasize suicide is a mistake because there "is always another way out."

The preceding information was taken from http://www.childrensgrief.net with the kind permission of the author Linda Goldman.

Linda Goldman is an educator, grief therapist, author, lecturer, wife and mother, who has spent her adult life working with and learning about children. Her years of experience as a teacher, guidance-counselor, and grief-therapist have given her a unique view that crosses and unifies the boundaries of each of these intimately related, and yet distinctly different fields.