by Peggy Sweeney Rainone

~~In loving memory of my mother, Marguerite Sweeney~~
February 2, 1921 – April 1, 2002

As you get older, doesn't it seem like the years just fly by? Before I knew it, here are the holidays again. I have been dreading them for the last several months because I knew what was coming. PAIN! Emotional and gut wrenching pain. The kind of pain that makes you feel as if someone has reached inside of you and ripped out every fiber of your being. Nevertheless, I know there isn't a thing I can do to make it stop. It is part of my personal grief journey. It is necessary to feel what I'm feeling because it will help to heal my mind, spirit, and heart. It is normal. All of this I know, but it doesn't make it easier.

This year I won't be celebrating Christmas quite the same as I did last year. Although we'll be heading to the beautiful Texas Hill Country as we did last year, one very special person won't be there to celebrate with us. You see, my Mom died last April and my grief is still very new. The images of last Christmas are like a slide show playing in my mind. Mom smiling. Mom sitting in the new recliner we gave her. Mom singing along with the Christmas carols her granddaughter was playing on the piano. Mom enjoying our traditional Christmas dinner. Mom hugging and kissing me. Mom telling me she loved me. Mom. Mom. Mom. The memories of Mom on Christmas Day last year send a blast of pain throughout my body; the kind of pain that makes you feel nauseated. I hurt. I miss her terribly. I find myself thinking about her a lot these days and crying at the drop of a hat. I'm extremely sensitive and unintentionally lash out at those around me.

The holiday season for many of us is not always a happy and joyful time, as the television and radio commercials would want us to believe. Christmas and Hanukah may cause stress and anxiety. In addition to our busy lives, we must add to this all the preparation needed to make the holidays appear to be a "success." Even with all the bright lights and music, it can be a very painful time for those of us who have experienced a traumatic event over the past year. Some people are very reluctant to participate in the festivities at all.

If this is how you are feeling, it IS ok to cancel the holidays this year. There are no set rules written in stone that demand you celebrate and be joyful. If your grief pain is still raw, you have the option to do or not do whatever helps to bring you comfort. However, keep in mind that the continuous use of mind-altering drugs and/or alcohol, as a means of coping with your pain, does nothing to resolve your grief. Feeling the pain is an important part of healing grief. Healing your grief will take a long time.

If you are having trouble coping because someone you love has died, I offer the following suggestions:

Have a family meeting now to discuss what traditions need to remain in place and which ones can be altered. You may wish to add something new this year. You don't have to put up a tree, send Christmas cards, or have the elaborate family dinner. If you choose to exchange gifts, do not hesitate to seek the aid of friends to do your shopping or, better yet, order your gifts from catalogues.

To help ease the pain of your grief, set aside a special place in your home to honor the person who has died. Display their picture or create a memory album with pictures and some of their personal belongings. Make a wall hanging or small quilt using pieces of their clothing. Buy a special candle and light it in memory of them. Do something-a charitable contribution, flowers for your church, buying food or clothing for someone less fortunate-in memory of your loved one.

If you decide to have a special family dinner, you may want to set a place at the table in honor of the deceased person. Before you begin your meal, ask each person at the table to share a memory or two of this loved one. Give yourself permission to cry and laugh. You are not doing an injustice, but simply dealing with the pain of your grief. It's okay to cancel the holidays this year if you so desire. Everyone needs to decide what's important for them and the best ways to cope with these painful days. Remember that everyone grieves in their own way; what works for one person may not be the answer for someone else. That's why it is imperative to start making your plans now.

If there are young children in the family, they will still need to experience the "fun" of the holidays even though they are grieving. Seek the help of friends and family members to assist you in providing the necessary magical happiness that can be outlets for their young grief.

If someone from your department has died this past year, I propose that you set aside a special time to commemorate your comrade. A simple memorial service will help to bring a calming outlet for your grief. I encourage you to spend time with their family. A thoughtful gift that you can create for this family is a "memory album." You can include pictures from the department and personal letters or notes telling of happy events you shared with their loved one. This gift will be cherished forever. This family needs you during this very painful time to give them comfort and an opportunity to share memories of happier days. Remember that it is not a sign of weakness to cry or show emotions; rather, it is an extension of the human side of your being.

Even though this Christmas will be very painful for me, I wouldn't trade my memories of last year for all the money in the world. I have given myself permission to laugh and cry. I know that it is ok to feel whatever I'm feeling. It is all part of healing. I have my memories and my slide show in my heart. I have family and friends who love me and give me hugs to get me through the painful times. I know I will survive this Christmas.

I send each of you who grieve a warm and gentle hug of comfort.

Copyright ©2002 Peggy Sweeney Rainone. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Peggy Sweeney Rainone is a dedicated and compassionate professional who is committed to making a positive impact on others. She is an EMT-B, has served as a volunteer firefighter, and has professional experience as a mortician.

Ms. Rainone exhibits a great sense of responsibility and empathy for others in need. She is the founder and president of The Sweeney Alliance. Email Ms. Rainone at: peggy@sweeneyalliance.org

Peggy Sweeney Rainone She is the founder and president of The Sweeney Alliance