Why Do Funeral Homes Have Kleenex?

by Patricia Simone

This question brings to mind the title of a popular book for young children, filled with other such obvious preponderances, meant to entice the reader's attention. The answer to the lead question may seem logical and childlike in its simplicity; perhaps it should be rephrased to read:

WHAT DO WE DO WITH OUR KLEENEX?

Recently, I was again, fortunate enough to be present for another inspirational workshop presented by the renowned thanatologist Dr. Alan Wolfelt of Colorado. The Bayview Golf and Country Club in Thomhill was the beautiful setting for the presentation sponsored by the R. S. Kane Funeral Home of Toronto, Ontario. In the large crowd of attendees were caregivers from all types of social services, all keen to hone their skills and gather the wit and wisdom of this learned man, whose enthusiasm alone is most motivational! It is noteworthy and commendable when a funeral home takes the time and expense to reach out to the surrounding community, to liaise with other community groups and to achieve the common goals of sharing experiences and enthusiasm.

"Death, Grief and Mourning: A Seminar for Caregivers" appeared to be a complete success on that particular May morning, in that hundreds of caring people united for the good of their bereaved clientele and came to recognize that a funeral home can be a valuable resource of education and support. The management and staff of Kane have created an impressive educational session and it was clear that their support of the Hospice of Thornhill is an integral part of their service.

SO WHY DO FUNERAL HOMES HAVE KLEENEX AND WHAT DO WE DO WITH THEM?

Each of our eyes has a tear gland (or lachrymal organ) designed specifically to lubricate and flush the eye with protective enzyme secretions. We can release pent-up frustrations and tensions by crying and we often express our needs to others by crying. Some research has revealed that suppressing physical signs of emotion such as tears, may be harmful to people. These studies reveal that individuals who cannot or do not express emotions may slightly increase their chances of getting other more complicated or debilitating stress disorders. Headache, general malaise, depression, hair loss, weight changes, impaired heart function, insomnia and other diseases have been known to manifest during stressful periods of crisis in one's life. Hormonal levels are different as well, in the tears shed for joy versus the tears shed during pain or sadness. As funeral directors, we cannot underestimate the biological functions at work with the grieving person while they are temporarily in our care.

Dr. Wolfelt told us, that studies also show that eight (8) out of ten (10) bereaved persons will actually stop crying when handed a facial tissue. It is true that crying is an expected reaction of grief and many tensions may be eased through the normal reactions of crying, screaming and wailing. Cultural and gender issues obviously come into factor. Some ethnic groups and individuals may be naturally more demonstrative and vocal than others may. Funeral directors who make the boxes of tissues available provide a service, but handing one or more of the soft little comfort cloths to someone does them a disservice! How so? By handing the tissue to someone, even with the best of intentions, we are subliminally telling them to dry their eyes and to stop crying! Dr. Wolfelt, in a previous article, reveals his assessment of the myths of grief and specifically addresses this topic his Myth # five (5), where he states that "tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness". He goes on to point out that as a society, we often associate tears with personal inadequacy, being weak and somehow being inferior. Crying generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family and caregivers alike often manifesting as uncomfortable or awkward feelings. We may think that we can protect someone from their pain, when in reality the old weightlifter's adage of "no pain, no gain" applies to the bereaved. We should never repeat clichés to a bereaved person for their intent and effectiveness is often misconstrued. Statements like 'Tears will not bring her back..." or "She would not want you to cry like this..." may add farther guilt or distress.

For further readings, check out the writings of Colm Murray Parkes, specifically his theory of attachment in his equally renowned work, a book titled "The First Year of Bereavement" (1974). His theories investigate the premise that in crying, a person hopes for another, last destined reunion with the deceased, exploring farther the pain experienced when that reunion cannot be attained. Tears, therefore are not signs of weakness, they are the beginning signs of healing and growth in grief. Grieving people need to feel that they have permission, even the right to cry!

So, why do funeral homes have Kleenex? We make those boxes available, for we want to be supportive to our clientele. Remember though, to think twice the next time you grab a few tissues to hand to that tearful someone. Subliminal messages can be everything!

Many thanks for the permission to provide this article from:

Patricia Simone, Cardinal Funeral Home. Toronto.