by Peggy Sweeney Rainone

Written in loving memory of my father, Charles Sweeney

I wish you could have known my dad. He was a great man; kind, gentle, understanding, loving. He taught me to enjoy all the good things in life and to believe in the magic of Christmas and the wonders of Santa Clause. I guess that's why today, I'm probably one of the oldest "kids" who still believes Santa travels on a sleigh and brings presents.

Growing up on the south side of Chicago, Christmas was always the best time of the year! Daddy would take my little brother, sister, and me to pick out the traditional Christmas tree. Every year, the tree seemed bigger and better than ever before. We would return home boasting of our find and mom would stand at the front door shaking her head and stating, with a grin, that we would never get that tree through the door. She would, no doubt, be vacuuming pine needles until at least April or May.

Dad would put the lights on the tree and mom and the kids would decorate it with ornaments that we had made or collected over the years. He would then spend hours and hours putting tinsel on the tree-one strand at a time. I, on the other hand, would become bored within minutes and toss my wad of tinsel into the tree. I later realized that patience was one of his best virtues.

When dad was satisfied with his job, he would announce that he was finished. That was my cue. I would race through the house summoning my mom and siblings to come and see the tree in its glorious splendor. Every light in the house would be extinguished except for those on the tree. We would sit on the couch all snuggled together and "ooh" and "aah" at how great the tree looked. Mom would even admit that it was the prettiest ever. A hush would settle over our little family and dad would quietly tell us, "Always remember, this is Christmas."

Twenty-five years after his death, I still miss my daddy very much, especially during the holiday season. He is no longer here to share in family traditions. I often become melancholy listening to certain carols and sometimes cry thinking of the happy times our family shared together with him. I feel cheated that my children never knew the warmth and love their grandfather so easily gave. I wish he were here to hang the tinsel, snuggle, and cuddle as before.

The holiday season for many of us is not always a happy and joyful time, as the television and radio commercials would want us to believe. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukah may bring with them much stress and anxiety. In addition to our busy lives, we must add to this all the preparation needed to make the holidays a "success." Even with all the bright lights and music, it can be a very painful time for those who have experienced a traumatic event over the past year. For them, they may be very reluctant to participate in the festivities at all. If you are having trouble coping because someone you love has died, I offer the following suggestions.

Have a family meeting now to discuss what traditions need to remain in place and which ones can be altered. You may wish to add something new this year. You don't have to put up a tree, send Christmas cards, or have the elaborate family dinner. If you choose to exchange gifts, don't hesitate to seek the aid of friends to do your shopping or, better yet, order your gifts from catalogues.

To help ease the pain of your grief, set aside a special place in your home to honor the person who has died. Display their picture or create a memory album with pictures and some of their personal belongings. Make a wall hanging or small quilt using pieces of their clothing. Buy a special candle and light it in memory of them. Do something-a charitable contribution, flowers for your church, buying food or clothing for someone less fortunate-in memory of your loved one.

If you decide to have a special family dinner, you may want to set a place at the table in honor of the deceased person. Before you begin your meal, ask each person at the table to share one memory of this loved one. Give yourself permission to cry and laugh. You are not doing an injustice, but simply dealing with the pain of your grief. It's okay to cancel the holidays this year if you so desire. Everyone needs to decide what's important for them and the best ways to cope with the upcoming holiday season. Remember that everyone grieves in their own way; what works for one person may not be the answer for someone else. That's why it is imperative to start making your plans now.

If there are young children in the family, they will still need to experience the "fun" of the holidays even though they are grieving. Seek the help of friends and family members to assist you in providing the necessary magical happiness that can be outlets for their young grief.

I recommend these resources:

Handling the Holidays by Bruce Conley
Holiday Help by D. Sims and S. Williams (Christmas)
Remembering Special Days by Jennifer Levine (for children)

If someone from your department has died this past year, I propose that you set aside a special time to commemorate your fallen comrade. A simple memorial service will help to bring a calming outlet for your grief. I encourage you to spend time with their family. A thoughtful gift that you can create for this family is a "memory album." You can include pictures from the department and personal letters or notes telling of happy events you shared with their loved one. This gift will be cherished forever. This family needs you during this very painful time to give them comfort and an opportunity to share memories of happier days. Remember that it is not a sign of weakness to cry or show emotions; rather, it is an extension of the human side of your being.

Maybe there will be a little extra magic in this holiday season. Maybe this year, life will be a little easier for the men and women who serve and protect their communities. Maybe this year, you will get to share more quiet, happy hours with your families; death and sickness, violence and vengeance, fire and smoke will cease for a short while. Maybe, for a brief time, the demons in your nightmares will give you tender slumber. Maybe this year, perhaps for the first time, you will remember to celebrate the value and worth of your heroic deeds and the gifts and talents you willingly share. Maybe. Just maybe.

Over the years, I have learned what my dad really meant when he said, "this is Christmas." As a kid, I thought he meant how the lights on the tree appeared to glow as we sat in the darkened room or, even though the tree's trunk was curvy, it was the best one ever. What daddy really taught me was that Christmas isn't trees with colorful lights and tinsel or shopping 'til you've dropped, or even brightly wrapped presents. Christmas is love and caring. Christmas is the warm feeling you have inside when family and friends gather to share life and laughter. Christmas is caring for those less fortunate. Christmas is tears and precious memories of times gone by. Christmas is wishes and prayers, sadness and joy. Christmas is hope. May your holiday season by filled with love and hugs.

Copyright ©1998 Peggy Sweeney Rainone. All rights reserved.

Peggy Sweeney Rainone is a dedicated and compassionate professional who is committed to making a positive impact on others. She is an EMT-B, has served as a volunteer firefighter, and has professional experience as a mortician.

Ms. Rainone exhibits a great sense of responsibility and empathy for others in need. She is the founder and president of The Sweeney Alliance. Email Ms. Rainone at: peggy@sweeneyalliance.org

Peggy Sweeney Rainone She is the founder and president of The Sweeney Alliance