There is a website that anyone suffering with Hodgkin's Disease, or their family and friends, can visit. In fact, the story presented there is a true one. A gentleman, who wishes to be known only as Vinny, has placed his journal online so that it may benefit others. Vinny has been diagnosed twice with cancer during his life and has yet to reach his 40th birthday.

The journal was written to chronicle Vinny's experiences of coping with Hodgkin's Disease. The journal does not merely cover the clinical, physical aspects of cancer treatment, but is also a very explicit account of a cancer sufferer's emotional journey through his diagnosis and treatment. Vinny tells us how his life is affected; how the changes he is going through affect his family and place a strain upon his family and marriage.

Vinny's journal is written frankly and some people may find the content upsetting. However, it is a fact of life that writing about cancer from an outside perspective and actually having to live, cope with and endure such an illness are two entirely different things. www.thefuneraldirectory.com has received permission to feature excerpts from the journal here and also to provide the link to a site that hopefully will help anyone having to deal with Hodgkin's Disease (or any similar disease). The journal will inform people of what they may expect to undergo in terms of treatment; however, it also shows anyone suffering from such cancer that they are not alone.

The website address is: www.geocities.com/vinnyp3/cancer.html

Extracts

November 5th, 1998

It has now been three days since my preliminary diagnosis of lymphoma. This information was given to me on Monday, November 2nd. My wife was with me and it felt very strange. I actually had no reaction until we left the office and she asked me if I was OK, with that I suddenly was not. I think I may have shed some tears for at least 10 seconds, then I was OK. We were driving back to work when the second wave hit me. I was quite angry and wondering why I had to go through this again, thought lightning didn't strike twice. My wife wanted me to pull over but I wanted to get to work, had to do something to start to deal with this. She dropped me off and in I went.

My boss was the first person I told. It was actually easier then I had thought and I even made light of it. I stayed at work for a few hours as I dreaded going home. I just couldn't imagine looking at my kids with what I knew. I told people as needed during the time I was there. Eventually I had my wife pick me up, think it was around 2:00 PM or so. We came home and my mother in law was here watching the kids. She asked how I was and I said fine, seeing the kids actually made me feel better. Spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to get an appointment with the oncologist, their computers were down. Sometime after 5:00 PM my wife got an appointment for 4:00 PM on Wednesday, November 4th. The day dragged and I did virtually nothing for the remainder of the afternoon/evening.

The kids eventually went to bed and I watched 'Everybody loves Raymond', I managed to laugh as it was quite funny. Flipped channels after that, think I watched some Dennis Miller but I don't really know for sure. My wife seemed to avoid me and I think I remember her coming to bed after a while and holding me, felt good to be held.

Dark Times

November 25, 1998

My journal entries are becoming sporadic and I just don't care. I can't motivate myself to do anything and I am extremely depressed. My wife doesn't even talk to me because every time we do we fight. She won't listen and I'm all alone. I get the distinct impression from her that if we don't talk about it, she won't have to face it. I've always been there for everyone and anyone and I never thought that I'd have to go through this alone. My mother baby-sits when asked but other than that I never hear from her. Tomorrow we'll be over there for Thanksgiving and it's going to be miserable.

Last night I had a complete breakdown and the deep sadness and crying have completely overwhelmed me. I can't get on track and I can't find my place. I finally took a sleeping pill so I could get some rest. I thought about taking the whole bottle but I didn't. Even looking at my kids doesn't help anymore. I feel like I've gotten nothing to live for and don't want to fight. I go through the motions everyday but I have no enjoyment. I can't cope anymore and I fear that I will have a nervous breakdown and end up in the hospital. A friend at work is the only person who I can talk to. I've tried talking to My Wife but she doesn't want to listen. She says she's there for me and is going to help me through it but she's not there. My Wife calls me at work every single day, multiple times per day. Today, not once. I know it's because of the breakdown last night. As soon as I got home today she went out. I asked her why she is ignoring me and she says she's not.

I considered going to church tomorrow but I can't find anything to be thankful for. I simply wish that it was over, one way or another. Death is an ever present spirit in my life and I'm way too emotional. I still can't figure out why I have to do this. I'm just sick of it. The more I type the worse I feel. Enough is enough, don't know when my next entry will be, I only hope there will be another entry.

November 27, 1998

My Wife sent me a letter today, it is as follows. I did not edit it in any way, I simply copied it into this document:

'I really don't know where to start with this letter. I read your journal and your right about me not knowing how to handle this. I do know that I love you and I will be there for you no matter what. I want you to fight this because I know you can. I wish there was something I could do to change this for you but I cant. I can only be there for you through your treatment and take care of you after them. I will do anything you need me to do. If you don't have these treatments your kids will never know who you are. I don't think that's how you want things to be for them. I don't ever want to have to tell them anything bad about their daddy. They love you and I know if they understood what was happening they would want you to fight. I know your scared and your not alone. I cant tell you how many nights I lay in bed and cry thinking about what you have to go through. I'm trying to be strong for you and the kids. Our Son just came down and wanted to know why I was crying. This is why I have to try and be strong. You are everything to me and without you I wouldn't be able to make it. Yes id have my kids but that's not enough. I want there daddy to see them grow up. I think about that more and more. I see how happy they are when they see you. they love you as much as me. The other night I told you I loved you twice and you ignored it. how do you think that makes me feel. I feel like you really don't know if you love me. I try so hard to make you happy but it never seems to work. In your journal you wrote about how this might bring up closer or pull us apart. I feel like I'm being pulled apart already because you wont talk to me. I have no one to talk to about this except to myself. No one told me if I needed anything to let them know they all told you and I'm glad they want to help you. I get to sit alone with my kids and cry. I get to sit here and write this and cry. I want you to be you and not be so uptight with us. You snap at alot. Believe me I understand but I want you to let us help you and not snap at us.

I notice that alot of things Our Son does you get mad at. He's going to be all confused and I don't want that. He cant wait for you to come home from work. Just remember one thing. I want to be there for you, hold you when you need to be held. I would stop everything I was doing to be there for you. Just remember that I Love You and always will. I hope this does bring us closer than we have ever been. Well that's it for now because Our Daughter's crying in her crib. Talk to you later'

This is a good letter, up until this point I couldn't figure out why My Wife never had any reaction to this and never talked about it. I didn't see that she was trying to be strong for me and help me. The way it looked to me was that she simply ignored it and led a seemingly normal life while I was falling apart. I partially resented her for that and talked to a couple of people at work about it. Her finally voicing her feelings to me was a terrific turning point in this ordeal. I asked her not to be strong for me, just to be there for me. I also asked her not to cry alone but to cry with me. Sometimes a good cry helps. I then asked her to read all of my journal and to stay up to speed by reading it on a regular basis. I find that in these entries I write things I won't/don't say and this can provide her with some insight into me.

For the full journal, please visit: www.geocities.com/vinnyp3/cancer.html