Explaining Death to a Child

by Patricia A. Simone

As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. Talk to the child in a language and level that he/she can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and, just as importantly, what is not being said. Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. The following are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.

1. The child's first concern may be "Who is going to take care of me now?"

1. Maintain usual routines as much as possible.
   

2. Show affections and assure the child that those who love him/her still do and they will take care of him/her.

2. The child will probably have many questions and may need to ask them again and again.

1. Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can easily be understood. Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of love and caring.
   

2. Answers should be based on the need the child seems to be expressing, not on the exact words used.

3. The child will not know appropriate behaviour for the situation.

1. Encourage the child to talk about feelings and share with him/her how you feel. You are a model for how one expresses feelings. It is helpful to cry. It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.
   

2. Allow the child to express care for the adult caregivers. Loving is giving and taking.

4. The child may fear his/her own death or that somehow he/she may have caused the death.

1. Reassure the child about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts that he/she may have had about the person who died did not cause the death.
   

2. Reassure the child that this death does not mean someone else that he/she loves is likely to die soon.

5. The child may wish to be a part of the family rituals.

1. Explain these to the child and include him/her in deciding how to participate. Remember that to be prepared beforehand, tell the child what to expect and have a supporting adult nearby.
   

2. Do not force the child to do anything that does not feel comfortable doing.
   

6. The child may show signs of regressive behaviour.

1. A common reaction to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of development. Depending on the age, a child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting and may need to have a bottle or go back into diapers for a while. Support the child during this time and keep in mind that these regressions are only temporary, though no one can determine for how long.
   

2. Adults can prepare a child to deal with future losses of those who are significant by helping the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television.

3. In helping children understand and cope with death, remember these key concepts:
   * Be Loving
   * Be Truthful
   * Be Accepting
   * Be Consistent
   * Be aware of levels of understanding relative to age.

Many thanks for the permission to provide this article from:

Patricia A. Simone, Cardinal Funeral Home. Excerpted from "The Complete Funeral Guide: A Resource to the Practical and Emotional Issues...Before, During and After the Service"