Young Children's Reaction to Death

By Adrian Veal

The death of a close person can be a very traumatic experience for us. The loss is a very individual experience as we all hold our own special, irreplaceable relationship with those who have passed away. Grief, being an emotional response, is a complex combination of painful emotions such as anger, sadness and helplessness. An important part of coming to terms with the loss of someone close is being able to adapt to life afterwards and share this experience with our closest ones.

An essential part of this process is sharing memories and talking about the loved one although it may be very painful. This can be especially difficult when a spouse dies leaving one parent behind with young children. There is a danger that the parent, in their own mourning, neglects the children's need to be included - being able to show and share their feeling of loss. It is a time when families must be united and work together through the grief however painful it may be. Children as individuals vary in the way they cope with the loss but their age also has a marked effect on their behaviours and coping strategies.

For the infant under six months the concepts of grief and a full understanding of the realities behind the loss of the mother or father is difficult to comprehend. The infant often shows distress at the loss of a parent. In most cases this will be most pronounced with the loss of the mother. What would appear to affect the infant most are the reactions of others around him/her. The continuity and quality of the infant's care from the family is paramount in the infant's adapting to life without a parent.

Older infants, up to about 2 years old, are not able to understand the permanence of loss but respond to the absence. In fact, children of this age will often ask for the missing parent. In cases when the infant has been present at their parent's death, they may be frightened but may not understand the parent has died. The child may simply become angry that the parent is no longer there and becomes disinterested in play and food. Other common responses are clinging to caregivers and refusal to let them out of sight. It is crucial for infants of this age to receive constant care at the time of readjustment in order to ensure a degree of continuity in their life.

Young children between the age of 3 and 5 are more able to verbalize their feelings and will often ask questions concerning the absence of their parent. They may also request for their parent's return and become angry because it cannot be fulfilled. Furthermore, the child may also cling to their favourite old soft toys and blankets for security or alternatively, in some cases, demonstrate more 'naughty' behaviour. The child may also show their fears and feeling through non-verbal behaviour - drawings and play. We should react to this behaviour by talking to the child and to continue to give the child loving attention and care.

After the age of five children are starting to understand issues about death and suspect its possibility when not told. Although they may not fully understand its implications they do start to build an understanding of its reality. However, children may initially ignore the news of a parent's death, which may manifest itself in various ways. This can in some cases lead to the family not accepting that the child is grieving. However, within a trusting relationship, given an opportunity, the child will feel safe to talk about their feelings and distress which will allow for the mourning process to begin. Often children of this vulnerable age may feel guilt over their parent's death and it is important to reassure the young child they have done nothing wrong.

Although all children go through similar developmental stages in their understanding of death, each child is individual in their behaviour depending on personal circumstances. We must ensure that the child receives both quality and continuity of care after their loss. This will help both the child and their close family to accept and adjust to the radical and tragic change that has occurred in their life.

Adapted from: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross "On Children and Death" Coller books. MacMillan Publishing (1982) Elisabeth Kubler-Ross "On Death and Dying" Tavistock/Routledge (1989) Stroebe, W. & Stroebe "M.S. Bereavement and Health" Cambridge University Press (1987) Raphael, B "The Anatomy of Bereavement A Handbook for the caring professional" Routledge (1990)