Just Be There
What's the most important thing you've ever done in your life?

by Patricia Simone

The answer comes to me in an instant from the recesses of my memory.

Without a doubt, the most important thing that I've ever done occurred a number of years ago. It was my mother's birthday and I was there for a family celebration. Our family always got together for special occasions so it was important that I be there. I began the day by playing tennis with a high school friend that I hadn't seen for quite a while. Between points, we talked about what had been happening in each others lives. She had recently had a baby boy who she jokingly said had been keeping them up at night.

While we were playing, a car came screaming up the road toward us with its horn blaring. It was my friend's father who shouted to her that her baby had stopped breathing and was being rushed to the hospital. In a flash, my friend was in the car and gone, disappearing in a cloud of dust.

For a moment I just stood there, paralyzed. Then I tried to figure out what I should do. Should I follow my friend to the hospital? I convinced myself that there was really nothing that I could accomplish there and perhaps I would be of more help to her later. My friend's son was in the care of doctors and nurses and nothing that I could do or say would affect the outcome. Should I be there for moral support? Well, maybe but my friend and her husband both had large families and I knew that they'd be surrounded by relatives who would provide more than enough support, whatever happened.

I decided that all I could do at the hospital was to be in the way. Besides, I had planned a full day with members of my own family who were probably waiting for me to get home. I decided to head back to my parent's house and check in with my friend later.

As I started my car, I realized that my friend had left her car keys as well as her car, at the courts. I now faced another dilemma. I couldn't leave her keys in the car, but if I locked it and took the keys, what would I do with them? I could leave them at her house but with no paper to leave a note, how would she know that I had done that? Reluctantly, I decided that I should swing by the hospital and personally hand her the keys.

When I arrived, I was directed to a room where my friend and her husband were waiting. As I arrived, the room was filled with family members silently watching my friend and her husband. I slipped quietly into the room and stood by the door trying to decide what to do next. Soon, a doctor appeared. He approached my friend and her husband and in a quiet voice told them that their son had died.

For what seemed like an eternity, the two held each other and cried, oblivious to the rest of us who were standing around in pained, stunned silence. After they had composed themselves, the doctor suggested that they might want to spend a few moments alone with their son.

My friend and her husband stood up and walked stoically past their family. When they reached the door, my friend saw me standing in the corner. She came over and hugged me and through her tears, she said, "Thanks for being here for me."

For the rest of the morning, I sat in the emergency room of that hospital and watched my friend and her husband hold the body of their infant son and say goodbye.

It's the most important thing that I have ever done. The experience taught me three lessons:

First: The most important thing I've ever done happened when I was completely helpless. None of the things that I had learned in university were of any use in that situation. Something terrible was happening to people I cared about and I was powerless to change the outcome. All I could do was stand by and watch it happen. And yet, it was critical that I do just that - just be there when someone needed me.

Second: The most important thing that I've ever done almost didn't happen because of things that I had learned in classrooms and in my professional life. In schools, we learn how to take sets of facts, break them down and organize them and then evaluate that information. These skills are critical for most professions. While learning to think, I almost forgot how to feel. Today, I have no doubt, that I should have jumped into my car without hesitation and followed my friend to the hospital.

Third: I was reminded that life could change in an instant. Intellectually, we all know this - but we all feel that the bad things, at least, will happen to someone else. So, we make our plans and see the future stretching out in front of us as real as if it had already happened. But while looking to tomorrow, we may forget to notice all the todays slipping by. We may forget that a job layoff, a debilitating illness, a failed relationship, an encounter with a drunk driver, a move to another location or myriad of other events can alter that future in the blink of an eye.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to regain perspective on your own life. From that experience, I learned to try to seek a balance between work and living; to understand that the most satisfying career isn't worth one missed vacation, one broken relationship or one holiday not spent with the family. I also learned that the most important thing in life isn't money you make, the status you attain or the honours that you achieve. The most important thing in life is the team you coach, the story you read to a child, the poem you write, the visit you make with an elderly person or the time when you're just somebody's friend!

The most important thing that you can do in your life is - just be there!

Many thanks for the permission to provide this article from:

Patricia A. Simone, Cardinal Funeral Home. Excerpted from "The Complete Funeral Guide: A Resource to the Practical and Emotional Issues...Before, During and After the Service"